She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
