God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
