sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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