If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
