my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
