i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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