someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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