I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
