it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize