U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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