The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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