I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
