Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
