Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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