Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
