I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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