I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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