i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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