i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
