Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
