I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
