You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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