Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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