I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i out mim tonsoeep
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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