So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
