my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
