I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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