I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
