Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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