Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Watching her eat just hurts me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
