So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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