She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
