I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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