Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize