JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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