Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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