i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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