please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
