so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I touched a dick in church today
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
