It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow