when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
