I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
