I think my fart just growled at me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
