I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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