I want to have your abortion
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
