Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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