His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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