it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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