I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
