My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
