I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
