Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
