Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
