there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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