Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
