literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
