wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
