Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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