It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
