All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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