handjob tips. give me some.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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