Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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