I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
